339. December & The New Perspective

This is me writing to my other self.

My circle is smaller now. As we getting older and older, no one care. No one care about us. The progress is always in silence. But when the results come up, yeah people/strangers will congratulate. It is funny and dumb. As we are getting older, expect less is better. It made days easier, right? So, do not expect a standing ovation. Nope! What i am doing lately is do what i want, action or silence, it is up to me. I've been losing many friends because yes, we're busy with our life but i do not want to share my problems when i see my friends again. Silence taught us much. But do you know ty? Your mind is soooo full and messy. This one person is like my twin. We are all have other sides, my sides. There is so many me in me. 

Am i always talking like this the whole my life? I don't wanna check it out right now. I can't believe it already 339th entries in here! I just want to update this side of me. She's writing right now, the positive version of myself, the optimistic, early bird, calm, motivated. 

So, what have motivated me recently? 

I've sold my acoustic guitar, it was a difficult decision, so now i have to use my electric guitar efficiently. And it's always my dream to upgrade my electric guitar skill, i've always talked about that but a little action. Now, i can focus on that first. I can't multitask. Seriously. Even in a relationship, i need my own space and my time alone. 

When i play my guitar, play the new songs on the internet, it's like it fills my heart, my body, it boosts me. I just realize it again now. So, my happiness will come up again with this thought. The point is talk and act. For me, i've been talked much with myself and the action sometimes happened just like that without many factors, i just did it. This is how my mind works. Like the subconscious. By the way, i will do 30 days guitar challenge in my instagram and youtube channel. To the future ty, i hope this will work for us.

338. Silenced Me

they silenced me again

many times

my thought has been skipped

by my people

my way is foggy and cold

not trying to be so dramatic

but the reality of life and a person's burdens are definitely different

if it happens continuously, it will shape you into another self

at the end of the day, I will still be alone

I don't need to beg just to have a good chat

to the person who has always been in my mind and heart

maybe I've just made the wrong choice all this time

but maybe that's my way so I'm like this now

I've had enough people silencing me, I can hear my own complaints

or some people or this one person, that's more than enough

337. First of ALL :)

I understand, what is important is how I respond to the situation around me. Not running away. Even if the reason is to make my dreams come true, I have to change something that has been bad for me. changing life priorities is not an easy thing for me. letting go of the things that have made me enthusiastic about living my days... it seems dramatic but it's even sadder if I keep delaying doing everything for myself. Therefore, starting today I will do whatever I like, what I want, what I can.

First of all, changing the mindset. Choose to be happy, smile more and not feeling bad about myself is the first things to do. I believe when i have source from myself. It is enough to live the rest of my days. Wherever i go, whenever it is, i can do it and i am open to any opportunities. What i've learned in 30 years of my age is not that really difficult, Alhamdulillah. Mentally, i still have a doubt, of course everyone has it but it's the time to go. 

336. Makeup & Skincare

Itch on my belly

I did not know where it is come from

But red dots a bit bothers me

Use makeup and skincare

Repurchase

Sleep, eat, pray, prepare to work

Repeat

New routine, adapting

New faces, classic conversation

Sunny days, hot

Windy nights, cold

Blue top and bottom

Trouble sleeping

Life is about balancing

Life is about reacting

So until then

I am going to be fine

Until then

I don't have to use any makeups

And we won't be overthink about anything

But our future is a reflection

Of what we're doing right now

335. Life isn't not only about it

I know life is not only about that

But why am i so selfish?

It is about survive

It is about live in the moment but also think about the future

It is about many things 

Sometimes we talk about religion too

Sometimes we talk about our habits

Sometimes we talk about our sickness

It is a wide and wild thoughts of life

It is not simple even though we like something simple

We like simplicity, we like clean room, minimalist space

But we are not simple

We are complicated

The first minute fine, then the next minutes we are not fine

Heavy mood swing

Just live because we are alive

I don't know what's happening but i think this is me now

Confuse, lonely, i cannot find happiness

But somehow i understand that i have to create it to keep alive

Create my own happiness and no matter what happen.. that formula will not be affected at all

Everyone's struggling

There is no parameter, there is no level in this case

But i believe by the time.. Everyone always have their own choices

I become more sad if i cannot help others.

334. Routine Changes

Now i see how many entries I've been published here, 333 is not a joke. Writing is still healing for me and even if i have someone to lean on and as my safe place, but this blog will always be a part of me. I can't fully leave my writing habits since i am not easy to remember anything. So, it's been 14 months and still counting, i hope i get recover ASAP. It was easier for me to think about my goals 3 or 5 years ahead but for the next 1 year i only want to do one thing and consistently. Working again.

Usually, i only have a big picture but now i want it more details but still simple. I don't want to put a burden on my shoulder, and it worked now. It's obvious that i was tired but when i look previously 1 year of medication, it was like a bonus, i took a long break. It was a big decision ever. Routine changes, minimum activities, new people, let go of people, let go of many things, sleep and eat routine changes, etc. I know it's not like i ever imagine in my younger years but i know people out there is struggling much more than me. So, i am fine.. i will be fine. For the good things, it won't be easy. 

So this, like a reminder. Something to look back again in the future, something to remember that life is not that easy but worth to fight. All we can do is do the best. The purpose is to help so i have to help myself first. Through this post, i want to show that i am grateful. So many ups and downs without telling my people how it was but here we are with our own feet. 

She? Me

her words are sweet

her words are weed

the existence makes me wonder

it is real, but messy

uncontrollable

it is bold

but it chokes me

should i run away?

should i stay?

i am overwhelmed

by these feelings

should i feel nice

why then i feel bad

i feel useless

but she doesn't like it

i let my feelings haunts me bad

i cannot smile

i cannot eat

if she lives in me

i will let her out this time

Sep, 12th 2024

I hope, writing is still my healing

Writing in this page, writing to you

I am enough to understand the situation

But what i value to myself is on my control

Not from outsiders

30 years enough to be selfish

I did everything when i was aware

I help and i initiate.. because i want it

It supposed to be like that on my side

It was not your force

It was pure my dedication

But if the feedback is not good enough now

I will accept it

No matter what, it was my decision

I have to visit some places in this city before i leave

I am used to moving since i was a kid tho

So it will be easier to learn and adapt in the new places

I hope so

It is in my dreams

I have to pursue it

I don't know where to go but with myself i believe

I know what's the right path for me

To live in my own happiness

To help myself first

And to live with no regrets anymore