336. Makeup & Skincare

Itch on my belly

I did not know where it is come from

But red dots a bit bothers me

Use makeup and skincare

Repurchase

Sleep, eat, pray, prepare to work

Repeat

New routine, adapting

New faces, classic conversation

Sunny days, hot

Windy nights, cold

Blue top and bottom

Trouble sleeping

Life is about balancing

Life is about reacting

So until then

I am going to be fine

Until then

I don't have to use any makeups

And we won't be overthink about anything

But our future is a reflection

Of what we're doing right now

335. Life isn't not only about it

I know life is not only about that

But why am i so selfish?

It is about survive

It is about live in the moment but also think about the future

It is about many things 

Sometimes we talk about religion too

Sometimes we talk about our habits

Sometimes we talk about our sickness

It is a wide and wild thoughts of life

It is not simple even though we like something simple

We like simplicity, we like clean room, minimalist space

But we are not simple

We are complicated

The first minute fine, then the next minutes we are not fine

Heavy mood swing

Just live because we are alive

I don't know what's happening but i think this is me now

Confuse, lonely, i cannot find happiness

But somehow i understand that i have to create it to keep alive

Create my own happiness and no matter what happen.. that formula will not be affected at all

Everyone's struggling

There is no parameter, there is no level in this case

But i believe by the time.. Everyone always have their own choices

I become more sad if i cannot help others.

334. Routine Changes

Now i see how many entries I've been published here, 333 is not a joke. Writing is still healing for me and even if i have someone to lean on and as my safe place, but this blog will always be a part of me. I can't fully leave my writing habits since i am not easy to remember anything. So, it's been 14 months and still counting, i hope i get recover ASAP. It was easier for me to think about my goals 3 or 5 years ahead but for the next 1 year i only want to do one thing and consistently. Working again.

Usually, i only have a big picture but now i want it more details but still simple. I don't want to put a burden on my shoulder, and it worked now. It's obvious that i was tired but when i look previously 1 year of medication, it was like a bonus, i took a long break. It was a big decision ever. Routine changes, minimum activities, new people, let go of people, let go of many things, sleep and eat routine changes, etc. I know it's not like i ever imagine in my younger years but i know people out there is struggling much more than me. So, i am fine.. i will be fine. For the good things, it won't be easy. 

So this, like a reminder. Something to look back again in the future, something to remember that life is not that easy but worth to fight. All we can do is do the best. The purpose is to help so i have to help myself first. Through this post, i want to show that i am grateful. So many ups and downs without telling my people how it was but here we are with our own feet. 

She? Me

her words are sweet

her words are weed

the existence makes me wonder

it is real, but messy

uncontrollable

it is bold

but it chokes me

should i run away?

should i stay?

i am overwhelmed

by these feelings

should i feel nice

why then i feel bad

i feel useless

but she doesn't like it

i let my feelings haunts me bad

i cannot smile

i cannot eat

if she lives in me

i will let her out this time

Sep, 12th 2024

I hope, writing is still my healing

Writing in this page, writing to you

I am enough to understand the situation

But what i value to myself is on my control

Not from outsiders

30 years enough to be selfish

I did everything when i was aware

I help and i initiate.. because i want it

It supposed to be like that on my side

It was not your force

It was pure my dedication

But if the feedback is not good enough now

I will accept it

No matter what, it was my decision

I have to visit some places in this city before i leave

I am used to moving since i was a kid tho

So it will be easier to learn and adapt in the new places

I hope so

It is in my dreams

I have to pursue it

I don't know where to go but with myself i believe

I know what's the right path for me

To live in my own happiness

To help myself first

And to live with no regrets anymore

I Can't Believe It

When your doctor said "this is not a life-threatening illness" it means you as a patient have to adapt and accept your pain every day or forever? Am i wrong? I just need help to cure my pain. It is been a year since August 2023. I don't whether Covid that causing it, or my motobike accident in 2013 or anomaly since i was a kid. If the doctors are confused, then what should we do as a patient ?

This is not a life-threatening illness but make me want to die. It annoys me every single day, every single hour and minutes. I can't sleep well, i can't rest i can't do normal activities as much as i want. I have been patiently, optimistically, waiting for me meeting the right doctor. Now it's been 3 months with the right hands but i don't see any changes. What should i do? Am i not allowed to be sad, mad, frustrate, depressed. Should i be fake happy? I've been there.. I tried to act normal so no one ask about my condition, even my family. No one ask. I have some strangers in my life who cares about me. Sometimes it's both make me happy and sad. 

I have talk to them who is cured. They're so kind, telling me what to do since the first screening. It is not easy to get here today. I have to meet several doctors, i have to accept their words that they want me to adapt with my illness. "It is just a sound of your blood flow, so what can we do?" Damnit.

I've been so patient, i've mad, i've cried, i've tried to do normal stuff like normal people without a rare disease. I avoid toxic people, toxic positivity, fake cares, i just avoid fake people that make my life heavier. It is one of stress relieving. It is a way of medication too. 

But i am just tired. Not like i am not being grateful. It is a pure human feeling, and it is my rights to cry or sad or mad. It is my rights to search the cure. 

DSA, June 2024

Single Baru! Minggu Ke2 September '24

What's up?

Don't let dreams just be dreams, lagu pertama yang berhasil kutulis tahun 2017. Yeap, 7 tahun berlalu, banyak yang ku pelajari dari songwriting, music production, mengerucutkan dan membentuk standard supaya tidak terlalu lebar. It helps me a lot. Ini juga termasuk progress besar-besaran yang aku lakuin akhir-akhir ini. Selain fokus medication, survive with wfh job, aku nggak pernah stop bikin musik. Banyak hal yang gagal tapi lebih enak kalo mereview yang berhasil. Itu nggak selalu tentang uang kan?! So, first skill unlocked, secondly.. i am still doing this, music and writing. 

Don't let dreams just be dreams terinspirasi dari film Sing Street. Punya nuansa happy sad dan pilihan chord yang simple dan lirik yang jujur. Lagu ini sebenarnya sudah sering dibawakan secara offline di beberapa panggung gigs lokal di Balikpapan. Bukan lagu yang banyak emosi, lebih cocok didengar saat bepergian, driving if you drive a car, because i am not haha

Don't let dreams just be dreams akan tersedia di berbagai platform musik digital di minggu kedua September 2024. Sebagai jejak dari proses pembuatannya, aku akan update di blog ini rutin, just for myself in the future. Kali ini artwork dikerjakan oleh artist asal Balikpapan juga, ipn.dd. So brilliant!

Mind & The City 2024

I maybe forgot about the topic Mind & The City. But i am here now to write another episode of that. So.. how are you doing ? I hope everything's going well.

I don't know to whom i talk to in this blog. But i believe each year my visitors coming from different phases of my life. Well, i am 30 years old now. I can't imagine how happy i am now that Allah still give me chance so i can be a better version of myself from the past. 

Not like what i've thought in the past, when i was in my 20's.. i was too afraid to turn 30. 

"How it will be ?"

"Will i be successful?"

The fact that i am a thinker, yes, i am a Pisces and my MBTI is INTJ. How can i don't think about my future? 

It turns out enjoyable, even if i know i am not that successful the way people think, by based on my standard, i already got what i wanted all these times. Those recording tools, music stuff, skills that I've learned and still learning... 

I have no full time job right now, it is been a half of year.

But I am now a freelancer (smiling) :) :) :)

The long waiting all this time,

the submissions, the sign ups in every platforms

finally, one of them give me a chance to feel how it's like to be a freelancer.

it is just started in February this year (2024), but i already got clients from Ireland, UK, Singapore, Indonesia and USA.

If you need me to help on your music project, simply click on the page Order Music and for my portfolio please check on my Youtube Channel or feel free to contact me on my Whatsapp Business. Thank you in advance, have a nice day! ^_^