She? Me

her words are sweet

her words are weed

the existence makes me wonder

it is real, but messy

uncontrollable

it is bold

but it chokes me

should i run away?

should i stay?

i am overwhelmed

by these feelings

should i feel nice

why then i feel bad

i feel useless

but she doesn't like it

i let my feelings haunts me bad

i cannot smile

i cannot eat

if she lives in me

i will let her out this time

Sep, 12th 2024

I hope, writing is still my healing

Writing in this page, writing to you

I am enough to understand the situation

But what i value to myself is on my control

Not from outsiders

30 years enough to be selfish

I did everything when i was aware

I help and i initiate.. because i want it

It supposed to be like that on my side

It was not your force

It was pure my dedication

But if the feedback is not good enough now

I will accept it

No matter what, it was my decision

I have to visit some places in this city before i leave

I am used to moving since i was a kid tho

So it will be easier to learn and adapt in the new places

I hope so

It is in my dreams

I have to pursue it

I don't know where to go but with myself i believe

I know what's the right path for me

To live in my own happiness

To help myself first

And to live with no regrets anymore

I Can't Believe It

When your doctor said "this is not a life-threatening illness" it means you as a patient have to adapt and accept your pain every day or forever? Am i wrong? I just need help to cure my pain. It is been a year since August 2023. I don't whether Covid that causing it, or my motobike accident in 2013 or anomaly since i was a kid. If the doctors are confused, then what should we do as a patient ?

This is not a life-threatening illness but make me want to die. It annoys me every single day, every single hour and minutes. I can't sleep well, i can't rest i can't do normal activities as much as i want. I have been patiently, optimistically, waiting for me meeting the right doctor. Now it's been 3 months with the right hands but i don't see any changes. What should i do? Am i not allowed to be sad, mad, frustrate, depressed. Should i be fake happy? I've been there.. I tried to act normal so no one ask about my condition, even my family. No one ask. I have some strangers in my life who cares about me. Sometimes it's both make me happy and sad. 

I have talk to them who is cured. They're so kind, telling me what to do since the first screening. It is not easy to get here today. I have to meet several doctors, i have to accept their words that they want me to adapt with my illness. "It is just a sound of your blood flow, so what can we do?" Damnit.

I've been so patient, i've mad, i've cried, i've tried to do normal stuff like normal people without a rare disease. I avoid toxic people, toxic positivity, fake cares, i just avoid fake people that make my life heavier. It is one of stress relieving. It is a way of medication too. 

But i am just tired. Not like i am not being grateful. It is a pure human feeling, and it is my rights to cry or sad or mad. It is my rights to search the cure. 

DSA, June 2024

Single Baru! Minggu Ke2 September '24

What's up?

Don't let dreams just be dreams, lagu pertama yang berhasil kutulis tahun 2017. Yeap, 7 tahun berlalu, banyak yang ku pelajari dari songwriting, music production, mengerucutkan dan membentuk standard supaya tidak terlalu lebar. It helps me a lot. Ini juga termasuk progress besar-besaran yang aku lakuin akhir-akhir ini. Selain fokus medication, survive with wfh job, aku nggak pernah stop bikin musik. Banyak hal yang gagal tapi lebih enak kalo mereview yang berhasil. Itu nggak selalu tentang uang kan?! So, first skill unlocked, secondly.. i am still doing this, music and writing. 

Don't let dreams just be dreams terinspirasi dari film Sing Street. Punya nuansa happy sad dan pilihan chord yang simple dan lirik yang jujur. Lagu ini sebenarnya sudah sering dibawakan secara offline di beberapa panggung gigs lokal di Balikpapan. Bukan lagu yang banyak emosi, lebih cocok didengar saat bepergian, driving if you drive a car, because i am not haha

Don't let dreams just be dreams akan tersedia di berbagai platform musik digital di minggu kedua September 2024. Sebagai jejak dari proses pembuatannya, aku akan update di blog ini rutin, just for myself in the future. Kali ini artwork dikerjakan oleh artist asal Balikpapan juga, ipn.dd. So brilliant!

Mind & The City 2024

I maybe forgot about the topic Mind & The City. But i am here now to write another episode of that. So.. how are you doing ? I hope everything's going well.

I don't know to whom i talk to in this blog. But i believe each year my visitors coming from different phases of my life. Well, i am 30 years old now. I can't imagine how happy i am now that Allah still give me chance so i can be a better version of myself from the past. 

Not like what i've thought in the past, when i was in my 20's.. i was too afraid to turn 30. 

"How it will be ?"

"Will i be successful?"

The fact that i am a thinker, yes, i am a Pisces and my MBTI is INTJ. How can i don't think about my future? 

It turns out enjoyable, even if i know i am not that successful the way people think, by based on my standard, i already got what i wanted all these times. Those recording tools, music stuff, skills that I've learned and still learning... 

I have no full time job right now, it is been a half of year.

But I am now a freelancer (smiling) :) :) :)

The long waiting all this time,

the submissions, the sign ups in every platforms

finally, one of them give me a chance to feel how it's like to be a freelancer.

it is just started in February this year (2024), but i already got clients from Ireland, UK, Singapore, Indonesia and USA.

If you need me to help on your music project, simply click on the page Order Music and for my portfolio please check on my Youtube Channel or feel free to contact me on my Whatsapp Business. Thank you in advance, have a nice day! ^_^

HEIZE - Hold Me Back OST. Queen Of Tears CHORD

Gm D#

Bigeopae

Nan tto dwidora neoege deungeuljyeo

Jigeumdo ireoke maneun mareul samkinchae

Dan hanbaljaguk georiman namginchae

Daedapae

Naneun mwol neoege haejumyeon doelkka?

Museopge neoegemaneul hyanghae ganeunde

Jeo ape niga inneungeol aneunde

Meomchwojwo

Jebal nareul yeogiseo

Neoege ttwieoganeun nal meomchwojwo

Naneun neoreul inneun beobeul

Niga eomneun naui gireun

Moreuni?

Nal meomchwojwo

Sojunghae

Negen modeungeol

Da jugo sipeosseo

Mianhae

Teogeopsi mojarangeon aljiman

Nae maeumi neol geuriwohae

Ani geuripda mothae apahae

Sasohan sillangido

Jugeulmankeum datun ildo

Nan ijen eopseumyeon andwae

Meomchwojwo

Jebal nareul yeogiseo

Neoege ttwieoganeun nal meomchwojwo

Naneun neoreul inneun beobeul

Niga eomneun naui gireun

Moreuni?

Niga eomneun geu binjaril ttara

I sunganedo nan neoege

Ganeun kkumeul kkwo

Nan tto

Naui moduneun neouigeot

Naege hana nameungeon

Neoui ireum gieok

Meomchwojwo

Jebal nareul yeogiseo

Neoege ttwieoganeun nal meomchwojwo

Naneun neoreul inneun beobeul

Niga eomneun naui gireun

Moreuni?

Nal meomchwojwo

Romanization romanized easy chord

CRUSH - Love You With All My Heart CHORD

 "Love You With All My Heart (미안해 미워해 사랑해)"

(from "Queen Of Tears" soundtrack)

VERSE:

E

It's the same day

C#m

Ireoke neoreul

                            B

Dasi bulleoboneun

A

Itgo itdeon maeumdeulgwa

E

Ijeya naemineun

C#m                                B

Naui miryeonhan jinsimdeul

A

Neujeoseo mianhae

PRE CHORUS:

A                                                B

I wish I could have told you that

                       E

I was born to love you

   D#/E                                  C#m

To love you with all my heart

                                        A                              B

Neol hyanghan simjangi meomchwojijiga ana

CHORUS:

E                                        B

Still want you all the time

C#m                               A        

Ajik nae maeumsok hankyeonui bange

E                    B                    F#m                   

Geuriumeuro gadeuk chaewo

A

Neoreul gidaryeo

E                                        B

Need you all the time

C#m                               A        

Amu maldo jeonhaji mothae

E                    B                 A

Sigansogeul hemeineun

B                       E

Nareul miwohae

VERSE 2:

It's the same night

Heurithan eoneu bam angae soge neoreul

Bulleobogon hae nan tto

Sigan jeopyeone binnadeon

Gieogeul tteoollyeo

Du son kkok jabatdeon

PRE CHORUS:

I wish I could have told you that

I was made to love you

To love you with all my heart

Mangseorida honja samkyeotdeon mal saranghae

CHORUS:

Still want you all the time

Ajik nae maeumsok hankyeonui bange

Geuriumeuro gadeuk chaewo

Neoreul gidaryeo

Need you all the time

Michin deusi nege dallyeoga

Du pal gadeuk neoreul pumgo

BRIDGE:

                            E B 

And I want you to know

              C#m  A E

You're the only reason

                           B                 A

That I still breathe that I still live

                           E   B

And to tell you

                        C#m   A

Saranghaetdeon naui jinsimi

                      E        B           A

Sarangbatdeon modeun gieogi

B                         E 

Nae modeun iyu

A               E

Yuilhan iyu

Mm

Romanization romanized easy chord

Half of 2023

December, 2023

Rumah sakit yang sama dengan bulan September lalu, namun berbeda poli. Poli ini pun bukan yang pertama melainkan yang kedua. Timelinenya di mulai dari bulan Agustus 2023. THT-KL pertama di RS Restu Ibu, dua kali kunjungan namun belum reda setelah mengkonsumsi obat flu/alergi, vitamin saraf, dan pelancar darah.

Pun, belum jelas apa diagnosa pastinya. Self-diagnosed bukan hal yang baik, tapi nggak bisa dipungkiri, begitu banyak pikiran di dalam kepala sejak 5 bulan lalu. Sedari awal ke fasilitas kesehatan, diagnosanya berbeda-beda, namun pastinya seputar masalah telinga. Dari 'otitis media, unspecified' dan terakhir kali ke spesialis THT-KL, diagnosanya 'Tinnitus'.

Berbagai artikel online aku baca dan begitu banyak faktor-faktornya, begitu luas sampai akhirnya mengerucut sendiri akibat inisiatif membaca dengan seksama. Self-diagnosed tidak baik, namun so far, ini mengarah kepada Pulsatile Tinnitus, subjective. Begitu banyak juga penyembuhannya dari orang-orang yang sudah sembuh, salah satunya adalah operasi gigi geraham bungsu. Satu hal yang masih aku takuti sejak 2015 sampai akhirnya berani di tahun ini. Ikhtiar ke dokter bedah mulut, RS Balikpapan Baru, namun rontgen dilakukan di RS Beriman. Lalu, aku terbiasa dengan aktifitas itu, drama bolak-balik faskes, demi mengetahui penyebab pasti penyakitku. 

Sampai sini, apakah ada yang salah dengan keputusanku? Aku merasa sedikit kesalahan, karna tidak percaya dengan dokter THT-KL yang pertama. Kesalahan itu diperkuat dengan statement dokter bedah mulut yang mengatakan "impacted teeth tidak ada hubungannya dengan tinnitus. dokter nggak janji ya kalau operasi gigi bisa menyembuhkan tinnitusnya"

Aku menjawab, "iya dok ngga papa"

Tetap harus dilakukan, karna akan menabrak gigi depannya. Dan kebetulan gigi yang harus diangkat pertama adalah sebelah kanan atas, sisi yang sama dengan telinga yang mengalami tinnitus.

Timeline lengkap:

1 Aug - pertama kali terjadi di telinga kanan

6 Aug - semakin intens 24jam, susah tidur

9 Aug - ke THT diresepkan cetirizine, mecobalamin, methylprednisolone

16 Aug - ke THT diresepkan flunarizine, mecobalamin, cereton

27 Aug - ke dokter bedah mulut

9 Oct - operasi gigi geraham bungsu kanan atas

suara ditelinga berangsur hilang dan jarang muncul

Akhir Nov - pilek nggak sembuh-sembuh, hidung kiri mampet, suara ditelinga muncul lagi intens

Kemungkinan-kemungkinan

Akhirnya, setelah menunggu seminggu karna dokter THT yang dituju masih cuti, 12 Desember jadi hari pertama konsultasi dengan beliau. Sangat ramah dan konsultasinya berisi, edukatif dan membicarakan kemungkinan-kemungkinan yang bisa menjadi sebab terjadinya tinnitus di telinga kananku. Diagnosa baru pun muncul dengan nama 'Oklusi Tuba Eustachius'. Aku lalu di beri obat pilek, lambung, radang, dan obat semprot hidung. Lalu diarahkan untuk mengikuti terapi sinar sebanyak 10x di poli rehabilitasi medik di rumah sakit yang sama.

Timeline terbaru:

12 Dec - ke THT yang baru

14 Dec - Terapi Rehabilitasi Medik pertama1

8 Dec - Terapi ke2

Sampai dengan terapi ke 7 tidak ada perubahan. Aku dirujuk ke sp. THT di RS lain yang paling lengkap di Balikpapan.