She? Me

her words are sweet

her words are weed

the existence makes me wonder

it is real, but messy

uncontrollable

it is bold

but it chokes me

should i run away?

should i stay?

i am overwhelmed

by these feelings

should i feel nice

why then i feel bad

i feel useless

but she doesn't like it

i let my feelings haunts me bad

i cannot smile

i cannot eat

if she lives in me

i will let her out this time

Sep, 12th 2024

I hope, writing is still my healing

Writing in this page, writing to you

I am enough to understand the situation

But what i value to myself is on my control

Not from outsiders

30 years enough to be selfish

I did everything when i was aware

I help and i initiate.. because i want it

It supposed to be like that on my side

It was not your force

It was pure my dedication

But if the feedback is not good enough now

I will accept it

No matter what, it was my decision

I have to visit some places in this city before i leave

I am used to moving since i was a kid tho

So it will be easier to learn and adapt in the new places

I hope so

It is in my dreams

I have to pursue it

I don't know where to go but with myself i believe

I know what's the right path for me

To live in my own happiness

To help myself first

And to live with no regrets anymore

I Can't Believe It

When your doctor said "this is not a life-threatening illness" it means you as a patient have to adapt and accept your pain every day or forever? Am i wrong? I just need help to cure my pain. It is been a year since August 2023. I don't whether Covid that causing it, or my motobike accident in 2013 or anomaly since i was a kid. If the doctors are confused, then what should we do as a patient ?

This is not a life-threatening illness but make me want to die. It annoys me every single day, every single hour and minutes. I can't sleep well, i can't rest i can't do normal activities as much as i want. I have been patiently, optimistically, waiting for me meeting the right doctor. Now it's been 3 months with the right hands but i don't see any changes. What should i do? Am i not allowed to be sad, mad, frustrate, depressed. Should i be fake happy? I've been there.. I tried to act normal so no one ask about my condition, even my family. No one ask. I have some strangers in my life who cares about me. Sometimes it's both make me happy and sad. 

I have talk to them who is cured. They're so kind, telling me what to do since the first screening. It is not easy to get here today. I have to meet several doctors, i have to accept their words that they want me to adapt with my illness. "It is just a sound of your blood flow, so what can we do?" Damnit.

I've been so patient, i've mad, i've cried, i've tried to do normal stuff like normal people without a rare disease. I avoid toxic people, toxic positivity, fake cares, i just avoid fake people that make my life heavier. It is one of stress relieving. It is a way of medication too. 

But i am just tired. Not like i am not being grateful. It is a pure human feeling, and it is my rights to cry or sad or mad. It is my rights to search the cure. 

DSA, June 2024

Single Baru! Minggu Ke2 September '24

What's up?

Don't let dreams just be dreams, lagu pertama yang berhasil kutulis tahun 2017. Yeap, 7 tahun berlalu, banyak yang ku pelajari dari songwriting, music production, mengerucutkan dan membentuk standard supaya tidak terlalu lebar. It helps me a lot. Ini juga termasuk progress besar-besaran yang aku lakuin akhir-akhir ini. Selain fokus medication, survive with wfh job, aku nggak pernah stop bikin musik. Banyak hal yang gagal tapi lebih enak kalo mereview yang berhasil. Itu nggak selalu tentang uang kan?! So, first skill unlocked, secondly.. i am still doing this, music and writing. 

Don't let dreams just be dreams terinspirasi dari film Sing Street. Punya nuansa happy sad dan pilihan chord yang simple dan lirik yang jujur. Lagu ini sebenarnya sudah sering dibawakan secara offline di beberapa panggung gigs lokal di Balikpapan. Bukan lagu yang banyak emosi, lebih cocok didengar saat bepergian, driving if you drive a car, because i am not haha

Don't let dreams just be dreams akan tersedia di berbagai platform musik digital di minggu kedua September 2024. Sebagai jejak dari proses pembuatannya, aku akan update di blog ini rutin, just for myself in the future. Kali ini artwork dikerjakan oleh artist asal Balikpapan juga, ipn.dd. So brilliant!